Age: 13-20
In my grade nine year, one of my best friends in the theatre company I performed with came out of the closet. Being in theatre meant I knew, and was friends with, a lot of gay men- yet he was the first of my close friends to come out.
Hanging out with him and his older friends on the weekends, however, gave me a look into the “gay world” of Toronto. I reflected on my own sexuality at that point and realized I was gay. I told this to my mom (who cried) and my sister (who was nonchalant about it all). I then proceeded to sneak into gay clubs underage across the GTA (my Mom hated this), see his friends hooking up with new guys every night (I hated this), and was offered drugs I didn’t even know existed (I never took any). The community I was exposed to made me second-guess everything. These were not the people I wanted to surround myself with. I didn’t see any role models or any relationships I wanted to emulate. Something didn’t feel right to me.
So I, the kid who believed in the power of choice, chose to go back to dating girls. At the time, I thought my sexuality was something I could choose too. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.) So I fell in love with a girl, got my heart broken, became really cold and robotic when it came to the idea of love, and closed myself off from any romantic relationships.
…
Fast forward to first year of University in Vancouver, where I gave dating another go.
My friend from the theatre company came out to visit me while both my roommate and my girlfriend of the time were away. (We can tell where this is going, right?) In one night I became the person I never wanted to be: a cheater. I felt horrible. At rowing practice the next morning, my coach made some comment about going back to our boyfriends in bed after practice as we weren’t pulling like ‘men.’ I felt like he was speaking right to me. I felt so exposed. I broke it off with my girlfriend when she got back with no good reason – I was too embarrassed to tell the truth. I quickly found myself in a toxic relationship with another guy in the residence and my self-worth began to crumble. I felt used. I felt worthless. I felt like this gay thing was all wrong. …. so I retreated again.
The next year I dated this amazing girl and our break-up almost tore apart our circle of friends. FYI: dating someone when feeling the way I felt is not recommended. In my not being honest with myself I put some of my most valuable friendships at risk. We recovered (thankfully!!) even though it was not without its struggles. I was still in the closet though.
A year later, after the dust had settled and my friendships were all in tact, I met this guy who liked to paint. I was so intrigued by him and we started dating. He was the first guy I loved and who loved me back. About 2 months in to our relationship, I was getting ready in a hurry in order to not be late in meeting my sister for brunch. I grabbed the nearest shoes, which turned out to be his, not mine.
Over brunch my sister and I caught up like we always do. She noticed my shoes as I went to the bathroom and when I came back asked me where I got them from. I told her “they are my boyfriend’s.” A smile washed across her face as she asked “And are you happy?” I replied yes.
(snap)
I realized that I could live a life as a happy gay man. That romantic love could exist in my world. That, while being gay wasn’t a choice, lying, cheating, and surrounding myself with people that don’t build me up was.
This moment was a milestone in my coming out process. There was no more retreating after that. I was out. This wasn’t the moment where everyone knew I was gay the very next day. This also wasn’t the moment where I made sense of how my future was going to unfold while remaining true to my beliefs and values. It was simply a true moment of happiness. The start of authentic expression; a commitment to being and doing what I say; of being able to express and receive big, juicy, heart-exploding love.
Coming out of the closet transformed my life.
Pick of the Post: Nelson – Let Me Be Myself
5 comments
1 ping
Megan says:
February 12, 2013 at 8:25 am (UTC -7)
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I think what’s most interesting is that I don’t think your experience relates just to coming out. I think everyone has experienced situations where they look around and don’t see a role model, they don’t see someone they can identify with and they conclude that they shouldn’t be there. Sometimes this is true but sometimes you just need to look further and harder and try to pave your own path, re-invent the space, be your own role model, and define your own version of being.
I remember watching the ballet documentary First Position and one girl stood out to me. She was black, tall and had a muscular build, not the typical dancer’s body. She said she looked around and didn’t see any dancers that looked like her, but instead of being deterred, she said ‘I’ll be the first’.
Again, thanks for sharing.
Matt Corker says:
February 12, 2013 at 2:20 pm (UTC -7)
So very true Megan! I agree that there are many parallels that can be drawn here.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post – not necessarily the easiest post to publish for me, and, at the same time, I felt it needed to be shared as part of my Transformational Tuesday series.
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.
Barney says:
February 12, 2013 at 3:46 pm (UTC -7)
Thanks for a great and very real post Matt. Your are brave man with a very happy well balanced gay future ahead of you!
Cathleen says:
February 13, 2013 at 11:44 pm (UTC -7)
Gotta love yourself to be yourself … what a shining example of light and love to all in all you share. Namaste. Keep writing, being a lantern of light that others may take a bite into their own juicy to use a favourite word of yours deep peace … all hearts and lives come with destiny … you’re giving others a nudge, a wink, a brave-heart example how to ‘decide’ to align with the destiny etched out ahead of them … you are so in joy, may your life expand expand expand upon its great light path. thank you.
Marc Smith (@Amuse_events) says:
February 28, 2013 at 2:27 pm (UTC -7)
Matt having just met you yesterday I knew none of your back story. I applaud your authenticity and choice to share this very personal story with us. I’ve learned the more you share of yourself the more others will share themselves with you and the more that is shared with us the richer we become.
You’ve added to my wealth and I hope you enjoy what I’ll be sharing with others about you on monday
This Is My Naked Dance Party » Matt Corker says:
February 21, 2013 at 7:16 am (UTC -7)
[...] my #4 Transformational Moment, however, felt like I was just walked in on with my pants down. I never expected the number of [...]